Recent Entries

Boulder Panhandler Hits Lottery Jackpot

Automotive Setback for Camel Cars

Mr. I'm a Dinner Jacket Wins Iran Presidential Election by a Landslide

This Parrot Wants to Go Traveling

Guantanamo Inmates to Hold Anniversary Party

The Misquamicut Monster

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April 18 - May 7, 2009

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The wiry services reports that a panhandler in Boulder, Colorado who does his daily routine standing on the corner of Table Mesa and Broadway with a cardboard sign that says "Anything Helps - God Bless You" has won the latest Colorado state lottery.

The panhandler, who declined to give his name, was walking up to a car that had a window open as it waited at the red stoplight and asked the driver for a few bucks for a decent meal. The driver, preoccupied while talking on his cell phone to his boss telling him that he was going to be late for work, was looking through his wallet at the same time for a $50.00 bill to give the panhandler. Instead, the piece of paper he thought was money turned out to be a lottery ticket.

The panhandler went across the street to the convenience store to check for the winning numbers. The clerk did a quick run on the numbers, which matched the ones on the ticket. The clerk was happy for the panhandler, who hadn't shaved or bathed for two months. "Now the guy can get a bath and haircut. He can even buy a year's supply of deodorant. Lord knows this city is in dire need of that," she said with a straight face.

Meanwhile, the driver just told the wiry services that he didn't know he accidentally gave the panhandler the ticket. He did say that he was too distracted by his cell phone, the red light, the panhandler, and the driver in the car to the right of him who was yelling to the panhandler, "Why don't you get a real job, you bum!" before turning onto Table Mesa. "But these things happen. The panhandler will probably spend it all on drink." We hope the gentleman wins the next ticket he purchases.

The popular car sales business known as Camel Cars in Tucson, Arizona, is about to go under due to the failure of camels in Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan to reproduce more efficiently. The wiry services reports that the camels that are being bred either have only two front legs, no hump at all, or a missing head, something which makes the rider difficult to navigate the camel in the proper direction. Scientists are busy working on finding a cause for these poor, defective camels. One reporter claims that “Arizona is not what it used to be. Over a million years ago, camels did roam the Southwest part of the nation but since then, the nomads have had to rely upon imports.” Not surprisingly, the reporter looked a bit dismayed as he lovingly looked at a perfect camel specimen in Reid Park Zoo in Tucson. The reporter properly addressed the Bactrian camel, greeting it with phrases such as “Ushta” and “Salaam, hale shome chetowri?”

A Camel Cars spokesman said that unless better quality camels are made available to the dealership, Tusconans will be forced to walk everywhere. Well, that is not a bad thing, given the fact some of these people can use the exercise.

President Barack Obama heard about the dealership's woes and refused to give them any bailout money, saying the camels were imported anyways and he refuses to give hostile nations any form of financial support.

Crowds in the capital city of Tehran cheered yesterday and continued to party as their presidential candidate, Mr. I'm a Dinner Jacket, won the Iranian national election. The final count was 3,500,900 compared to the 5 votes his opposition, Mr. Saran Wrap. Mr. Saran Wrap was hoping to direct Iran towards more social freedom away from the hardliner Islamic Guard of Councils. When the wiry sevrices interviewed Wrap, he simply smiled and responded: "Maybe their time yet has not come. But that is all right. I plan to run in their next presidential election." Wrap proved to be a good sport about it, since he was later seen chatting with Dinner Jacket's supporters and joking while listening to Led Zeppelin discs and munching on McDonald's hamburgers.

House birds are clever animals but a certain Kea parrot in New Zealand actually made off with her owner's passport. My guess is that she wanted to see the world, maybe southeast Asia, Europe, Africa, the Near East, and of course, America.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090529/ap_on_re_as/as_odd_new_zealand_thieving_parrot

Brazen NZ parrot steals passport, heads into bush

May 28, 2009

WELLINGTON, New Zealand – Polly wants a passport — and isn't above stealing one.

A brazen parrot, which spotted a Scottish man's passport in a colored bag in the luggage compartment under a tour bus, nabbed the document and made off into dense bush with it, the Southland Times newspaper reported Friday.

The bird — a parrot of the Kea variety — made its move while the bus was stopped along the highway to Milford Sound on South Island, and the driver was looking through the compartment. Milford Sound, which runs inland from the Tasman Sea and is surrounded by sheer rock face, is part of Fiordland National Park, a world heritage site and major travel destination.

Police told the newspaper the passport has not been recovered and is unlikely to be located in the vast Fiordland rain forest.

"My passport is somewhere out there in Fiordland. The Kea's probably using it for fraudulent claims or something," the passport owner, who did not want to be named, told the newspaper.

A replacement passport from the British High Commission in Wellington could take six weeks and cost up to $250.

"I'll never look at a Kea in the same way," the man was quoted saying.

Kea, the world's only snow line-dwelling parrot, are widely known as inquisitive birds who appear to take delight in attacking rubber items like windshield wiper blades.

Native to New Zealand, the birds are found only in or near South Island mountains, where they live in high-altitude beech forest and open sub-alpine herb fields that stretch up into the snow line.

Covered mainly in brown and green feathers, they have large flashes of bright orange feathers under their wings.

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For those who want to see what one of these birds look like:

Hopefully the kea will return to her owner but as for the passport, maybe one of her friends will pick it up and see the world.

Here is a goody from our Quasar parody files:

The wiry services report that the Gitmo inmates, due to a decision on the part of President Barack Obama and Congress, will stay and celebrate their tenth anniversary two years ahead of time.

One inmate, Abdullah Rahullah, resignedly told the wiry services that "By the time Obama comes up with a plan on what to do with us, we will still be here in 2012." Obama told the United States he plans on closing Gitmo but he does not have an outlined plan of how to do exactly that. Moreover, there remains the problem of what to do with the detainees since many of their home nations do not want them returned at all. Mr. Rahullah is from Islamabad, Pakistan and was conspiring with Osama bin Ladin until Osama said he didn't have a detailed plan of how to involve the eighteen year old Pakistani. "I can never win," Mr. Rahullah continued to the wiry services. "If it's not Osama, it's Obama. Oh well," he finally smiled as he was handed a seven course roast chicken meal. "At least we are well provided for down here and I can watch 290 cable channels any time of the day." Mr. Rahullah looked spiffy in a Bijan suit that was paid for with American tax dollars. Soft spoken with a well groomed mustache, he chatted with his cell mate Djubi Mamalu, who told him he received a letter from his wife back in Herat, Afghanistan. Djubi also spoke to the wiry services, mentioning that he was forced to become a Muslim under the Taliban rule. he longs to see his wife and three daughters, who he loves very much. Mr. Mamalu wanted his daughters to be well educated, but that was forbidden under the Taliban. He hopes to be able to get his family to immigrate to the United States so they can have a better life here. "By the time they move here, hopefully I'll be free from here so I can join them." Where would he like to live in the States? "In Los Angeles," Mr. Mamalu grinned. "In America, everything is like Hollywood." We can only hope for the best for Mr. Mamalu and his family.

In the meantime, Gitmo inmates are already selecting their tenth anniversay cake. "Big, enough to feed everyone," said Mr. Rahullah. "Chocolate, with lots of green frosting."

Here is a goody from our Quasar parody files:

Three teenaged boys report seeing a rather unusual carcass that wahsed up on the Misquamicut State Beach in Connecticut yesterday. The carcass supposedly resembles a pig with two front legs and a tail. This is what is more commonly known as a merpig, say zoologists from the National Forestry Association for Wild Pigs. The oldest boy, Ronnie Beachead, spoke to the wiry services about his unusual find. One of his buddies took photos with his cell phone but none have yet appeared anywhere on the Internet. Mr. Beachhead and his buddies quickly wrapped up the body and hid it in a secure area. He later told the wiry services that he wasn't quite sure the beast was dead, as it started flicking its tail back and forth and started singing "Beyond the Sea."

Sightings of unusual creatures in Long Island Sound are not unusual. A few years ago a beast called the Montauk Monster showed up, and its relative, a second one, showed up this past month in the same area. Well, if there are at least two of them, one of each gender, there's bound to be little ones nearby, too.